***If you haven’t read it yet, find part 1 of this blog post here. Let’s jump back into our chat. 😉
Myth #3: Dating is dangerous.
In Church circles you’ll sometimes hear the topic of Christian purity culture come up, for better or for worse. It’s a movement that was intended to help Christian teens follow God’s ways on sexuality and marriage etc., but for all its good intention, it had its pitfalls (unpacked in this podcast and this documentary).
It was an over-reaction to a progressively more sexualized secular culture and, unfortunately, reactionary theology/practice never leads us closer to God’s heart. Among the pitfalls is that it created fear around dating and stigmatized sexual sin, even if it’s repented of.
It’s important to point out that asking someone out for coffee and proposing marriage to someone are not the same thing. 😉 It’s okay to get to know people. You don’t have to know you’re going to marry someone before you start dating them. To the contrary, dating is the way you discover whether this person is someone you should marry or not.
While we want to exercise discernment and intention in how we engage both friendship and romantic relationships, you’re not giving away a piece of your heart to every person of the opposite sex you date or spend time with. You can, and should, have enjoyable friendships with people of the opposite sex that are healthy, mature and platonic.
Breakups are not practice for divorce–not quite, anyway. There’s a difference between careless dating that goes from person to person just for the heck of it, and dating with intentionality, which can and sometimes should lead to the end of a relationship once you discern that marriage is not the best way to move forward with this person. We have to be careful not to lump both approaches to dating together as if they are the same thing.
Okay, let’s talk about sex before marriage.
If you come to God in repentance for your sin with a sincere heart to be transformed by Him, He meets you with forgiveness, mercy, love and His help to heal from your mistakes and walk in His ways.Click To Tweet
First, let’s get the obvious out of the way. We know that deviating from God’s commands on sexual practice is sin. As believers we are called to love God’s ways and fight for obedience to Him in every area of our lives, sex included. (1 Thessalonians 4:1-7)
Virginity is a precious and valuable thing. It’s noble to want to offer virginity to your spouse on your wedding night, as long as your motivation in pursuing sexual purity is first out of a heart to obey and honor God and secondarily as a gift to your spouse.
That being said, having sex before marriage is not the unforgivable and unredeemable sin, and your virginity is not the most precious gift you have to give your future spouse. There is so much more to your history in God and who you are as a person that you bring to the table in a future marriage than whether you’ve had sex before or not.
If you’ve lost your virginity to someone who isn’t your spouse, God can still do a work in your life to spiritually restore you as an individual and also bless your future marriage and sex life. In the Church, sometimes we don’t do a great job of communicating this part of the message alongside our exhortations to save sex for marriage.
Any view that implies you as a person or what you’ve done is beyond the forgiveness and redemption of God of is contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ. God convicts us of our sin to draw us to holiness and help us mature spiritually (Hebrews 12:5-11), but God doesn’t deal in shame and condemnation. God is truthful with us, but He doesn’t use fear or shame tactics to motivate people to walk in His ways. Neither should we as His people do that to others.
If you come to God in repentance for your sin with a sincere heart to be transformed by Him, He meets you with forgiveness, mercy, love and His help to heal from your mistakes and walk in His ways. (Hebrews 4:14-16 // 1 John 1:9)
Myth #4: Only men can pursue.
You may come across the idea in Christian circles that the role of a guy in a relationship is that he pursues the woman. He expresses interest first. Guys ask girls out. Guys pay for dates. If you do Bible studies or devotions together, the guy has to initiate/lead them, etc. You might be surprised to find out, though, that the Bible doesn’t teach that only men do the pursuing.
I know some may have a preference for doing things the “old fashioned way,” which is not necessarily a bad thing. I appreciate the intention of honor toward women that leads many Christians to approach relationships this way. That intention should be commended and that value maintained, regardless of how you choose to practically approach this topic. But may I submit for your consideration that old-fashioned doesn’t necessarily equal biblical?
As with everything, it’s important for us to look to Scripture and ask questions. Do we see anything in the Bible to suggest that: Guys always have to initiate date plans or always have to pay for dates? Guys always have to make the first move? Women can’t ask men out or express interest first?
Do we see in the Bible that women can’t also initiate important discussions in the relationship such as physical boundaries, challenges to work through, or the future of the relationship? Women can’t also take initiative in a time of prayer or study of God’s Word as a couple? It’s wrong for women to ask for clarity as to a guy’s intentions?
Granted, dating wasn’t a thing when the Bible was written; it’s important to note that fact. However, it doesn’t change the important interpretive principle that we can’t read conclusions and rules into the Bible that the text doesn’t actually say.
Isn’t it possible that it could be a blessing to both guy and girl if the interactions and responsibilities of the relationship are shared? (and may I humbly submit that it’s possibly more fair in some instances as well?)
Healthy, godly relationships are built on shared responsibility, mutual investment and reciprocity. (Ephesians 5:21 // Philippians 2:3-5) Now, that will look a variety of ways, but in a relationship both the guy and the girl have hearts that need and deserve to be pursued and responded to by their significant other. Both have the privilege and responsibility to share the load of investing in the relationship.
Healthy, godly relationships are built on shared responsibility, mutual investment and reciprocity.Click To Tweet
Some challenges can come up with the application of the belief that “men are the only pursuers/initiators in every situation.”
Depending on how it’s practiced, it has the potential to make the woman somewhat of an inactive participant in the relationship because we keep telling her (and him) that it’s his job to do everything and she just supports or responds. In reality, she should function as a Spirit-empowered child of God bringing her gifts, strengths and expression of affection to the relationship just like the guy should.
Sometimes, as I’ve seen with several female friends of mine, the girl is confused about a guy’s interactions and intentions with her. She lives confused and struggling emotionally for months because she thinks she’s doing something wrong by initiating a clarifying conversation with him.
Or, we have women who are wondering why guys can’t read their minds and won’t ask them out, not realizing that there’s no rule prohibiting you from showing interest first or asking him out.
It’s also possible that the guy may feel like his ego gets bruised every time a woman is confident and assertive, because he’s conditioned to believe that he should be the only assertive one and that her proactiveness inherently devalues him as a man, which is also untrue.
Every couple and every scenario will be different. There’s nuance to this. It’s okay to hold this topic as a matter of personal preference and approach it as you feel led by God in your own life and relationships. We just can’t make hard, fast rules about it if the Bible doesn’t and then expect every Christian to practice this in the exact same way we do as individuals.
***Head here to read Part 3
Let’s Talk: Are there things you believed about how to approach relationships as a Christian that you realized weren’t based in Scripture upon your own study? Discuss this post in the comments below.
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