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Let’s dive into the final two myths in this conversation. (If you haven’t read them yet, here are Part 1 and Part 2)

Myth #5: There’s a “biblical definition” of manhood and womanhood.

Here’s what I mean by that statement. I’m not saying there are no differences between men and woman at all. And I’m not saying we can drift from God’s design for sexuality, marriage and gender identity.

God’s will on those things is consistent and clear throughout Scripture and we must agree with Him in belief and practice in those areas. At the same time, we must be loving, gracious and willing to learn as we help people who struggle in those areas explore what it means to believe in Jesus and grow as a disciple of Jesus.

What I’m talking about in this conversation is expectations in some aspects of Christian culture about what your hobbies, interests and gifts should be, what jobs you should gravitate towards, what your personality is supposed to be like based on whether you are a man or woman. In these cases, that list of expectations typically can’t be found in Scripture.

The Bible doesn’t teach that God only gives His sons and His daughters one personality or one type of gift or passion. Rather, we learn that God has uniquely and wonderfully designed each of us in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139) and that He gives a diversity of spiritual gifts and ministry assignments to His kids based on His will and His empowering grace in our lives. (1 Corinthians 12 // Romans 12:6-8).

God has given each of you a gift from His great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. (1 Peter 4:10)

Just look at the diversity of men and women we see in the Bible. We see various women praised for roles as caretakers and homemakers as well as roles in ministry and workplace. We see women celebrated for their beauty and for their skills. We see men with great compassion and with great strength. We see both men and women in the Bible expressing a full range of human emotions.

King David was a national leader and warrior, but also a musician/songwriter. Deborah was also a national leader, prophet and military commander. Lydia was a businesswoman. Pheobe, Eudia and Syntyche were church leaders and missionaries, respectively. Peter and Martha had bold, outgoing personalities and John the Apostle and Mary of Bethany had more tender and reserved personalities.

It’s unhelpful when we hold up cultural gender stereotypes as biblical standards. When it comes to dating and relationships, doing so can make it harder to navigate expectations, what pursuit and showing interest should look like, and what qualities to look for in a godly woman or godly man. Instead of trying to fit people into extra-biblical boxes, you and I can learn to celebrate the way God has designed each individual person.

Myth #6: Lust is only a guy issue and modesty is only the responsibility of women.

It’s common for conversations around lust and modesty in some Christian circles to be framed this way: 1) it’s the responsibility of Christian women not to cause our brothers to stumble and 2) men struggle with lust more than women do.

I’m not saying that male and female physiological make up can’t play into how we think about this issue; I think it can be helpful to an extent if we use that information properly. But I wonder if we sometimes put so much weight on that aspect of it or misunderstand it to the point it becomes a negative thing.

I found this Becoming Disciples podcast on modesty helpful. Lisa Hensley explains, among many other amazing points, that a man without a shirt on can be just as visually stimulating or tempting to woman as a woman in a bikini can be for a man.

Remember, God designed both men and women as sexual beings and to be attracted to the opposite sex. Both genders have the potential to struggle with sexual temptation. Both genders have to learn to walk in Spirit-empowered self-control related to lust and sexuality. (Genesis 2:21-25)

In Matthew 5:27-30 where Jesus teaches on lust, He puts the responsibility on the person doing the lusting. He doesn’t tell us to place blame on the person who became the object of lust due to the ungodly desires lurking in our own hearts. (James 1:12-15) Furthermore, we learn in Galatians 6:5 that we are each responsible for our own actions.

So, both men and women have a biblical responsibility to be mindful of how our conduct–dress included–impacts our neighbors, and both men and women have a biblical responsibility to exercise self-control and go to God for help with our own temptations and sin issues.

Whether the people around us do the right thing or not, however, we are each responsible before God for what goes on in our own minds, our own hearts and our own actions. We are each responsible to treat our neighbors with love, purity and honor. (1 Timothy 5:1-2)

For guys and girls, there will always be something someone of the opposite sex wears or does that could make it “hard for you not to look,” no matter how innocuous it is, because what creates a possible temptation will vary from person-to-person. So yes, let’s hold to a value of mindfulness in dress (which is a nuanced conversation in itself), but mostly let’s have a value for the biblical command that is self-control. (1 Thessalonians 4:1-7 // 1 Peter 1:13-16)

And if lust is a struggle for you, do what Jesus said: ask Him what adjustments you need to make, in His power, to help you walk in righteousness. Don’t put that responsibility on another person. We can approach God boldly in our weakness and find His grace and mercy to help us when we need it most. (Hebrews 4:14-16) I love that about Him. Don’t you? 🙂

Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and His ways. (1 Thessalonians 4:4-5)

One last area that’s impacted by this conversation is the issue of pornography. Typically, pornography is viewed a men’s problem, but statistics show that women inside and outside of the Church view porn and can struggle in this area too. I also know this to be true from hearing the stories of different Christian women in my life and how they’ve had to work through this struggle. As the Church, we have to care about helping our sisters walk in holiness and freedom in the area of sexuality just as much as we do our brothers.

Framing pornography as a guy only problem makes it harder to do that. It has the potential to create a stigma so that women don’t feel like they can be open about their struggles and seek help. It makes us blind to half the body of Christ that needs help and support to overcome. Man or woman, if this is an area where you wrestle, I’d encourage you to reach out to a pastor or mentor in your life for support and resources.

Let’s Talk: Were any of your previously held views concerning lust and modesty affirmed or challenged in any way in this conversation? How so? Discuss this post in the comments below.