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A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.  Kind words are like honey-sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. (Proverbs 15:1 // Proverbs 16:24)

Words are powerful and the way we use them matters.

Too often we treat our world-especially our online world-as a place where we can carelessly throw out criticizing words and opinions with no regard for the people we are speaking to.  If you don’t believe me, just go read the comments section on a few videos or articles online and you’ll find plenty of evidence.  It’s so easy not to think how our words may affect others or how our words represent Christ.

There are a ton of things you could criticize in any person at any moment for any reason. We all make mistakes and we all have flaws. What I’ve noticed, though, is that people will criticize, but they will rarely criticize in a way that is constructive and helpful and they will rarely criticize something that actually matters.

Don’t get me wrong. Confrontation, correction and critique are necessary in life. They foster truth, growth and accountability. When done well they can even help mend brokenness in our relationships with God and with each other. The issue is the way we go about engaging in that confrontation, correction and critique.

So how do you avoid contributing to the careless criticism that plagues our society? How do you correct or confront in a way that is helpful?

Ask yourself these three questions before you offer criticism.

1. Is it really that big of a deal that it needs to be addressed?

Pro Tip: Most things are not. 🙂

Have you ever noticed the person who comments that at 2:57 in a YouTube cover video that a vocalist was off-key? Did you also notice that was probably the only mistake in an otherwise great performance?

What about the people who comment on blog posts or news articles just to correct a minor grammar mistake and contribute no other meaningful insight to the conversation?

No one does everything perfectly all the time. Imperfection doesn’t mean someone is a bad person. It doesn’t mean that their work isn’t great or that their contributions aren’t valuable. It just means they are human, like you. Just because there is a flaw doesn’t mean it always needs to be pointed out. Sometimes pointing out insignificant flaws is more harmful than helpful.

What if we learned to discern whether flaws need to be addressed or not?  What if we trained ourselves to notice the good to be encouraged in people and spoke to that instead? What if we learned to notice those things first, before the areas needing growth or correction that exist?

2. Is the way I’m addressing it loving, constructive and helpful?

Pointing out imperfections just for the sake of doing it, to make people feel bad or make ourselves feel better isn’t helpful. Graciously offering comments and help in order to promote growth in someone is behaving like Jesus. Being motivated by genuine care for the person you’re speaking to is behaving like Jesus.

That’s the way He corrects His children. He is encouraging, compassionate and honoring to us even when addressing flaws in our lives.

And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as His children? He said,“ My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when He corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes each one He accepts as His child.”

 

But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in His holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.  (Hebrews 12:5-6, 10-11)

Every time God puts His finger on an area of our lives where there is disobedience to Him or room to grow, He is so gentle, kind and loving. The way God brings correction makes us feel like He is for us and that we can do it. It gives us hope. It’s clear that the furthest thing from His intention is to shame or condemn us. No, He loves us and wants the best for us.  He wants us to be as like Him in character as we can be.

Offer correction because you are fighting FOR people, not against them.

3. Am I addressing it in a relational context and environment that is appropriate?

Matthew 18:15-17 and Acts 18:24-26 both teach us that it’s best to address personal offenses, shortcomings and sins in the lives of our brothers and sisters in private and in the context of relationship. Confrontation in private and within personal relationship preserves love and guards people from shame.

If you’re gathered in a general assembly of Jesus followers and there’s corporate teaching and holding each other accountable to the standards of God’s Word, of course that’s appropriate. Scripture encourages this. If you’re addressing ideas and actions in light of your opinion or even in light of the truth of Scripture, that’s also appropriate.

The problem comes in when we start personally confronting flaws in individuals in a public setting. When we move from a place of challenging with love, grace and expressed permission to speak into a person’s life to a place of embarrassing and harshly criticizing someone, we’ve lost sight of God’s way of correction.

 If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense…(Matthew 18:15)

 

When Priscilla and Aquila heard him preaching boldly in the synagogue, they took him aside and explained the way of God even more accurately. (Acts 18:26)

That’s not to say that there is no place for disagreement or challenge of public figures and publicly shared ideas. Sometimes that is called for. However, when we do speak into those things we need to be mindful that we can have conversations about ideas and actions without attacking someone’s personhood. We can critique and be honoring at the same time.

For instance, if you have a friend who consistently gossips and that friend has given you permission to be a voice of encouragement and accountability in his life, speak to him privately about how he is handling that area of his life in light of God’s Word and how he can grow in obedience to God in that area. Do not, however, call out said friend’s shortcoming in front of everyone in your small group and berate him for struggling in that way.

See the difference? Personal issue, private conversation. Public issue, public conversation-but do it with honor for the person and confront the idea or action in question, don’t attack the person.

So, next time you feel compelled to point out a flaw, whether in a personal interaction or online, stop and think about these questions. Motivation, relationship and context all come to bear on how we address flaws and whether we should do it at all. Let’s have more conversations and less arguments. Let’s build up more and not tear down. Let’s fight for each other and not against each other.

Your turn: Read Ephesians 4:29 and think about how you will change the way you offer critique online or in person. Which question do you need to ask yourself more often before you confront? Discuss this post in the comments below.

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